noob.

What now?

Sooo, you know I’ve always adored you… and I was cool with it being a one way street type of thing.. But now you’re telling me you like me, in fact you say you love me. I can’t be sure that you’re saying that to butter me up and maybe play with my emotions. I really don’t know.. and I’ve been getting hints lately that you might be feeling something for me, but I’ve chosen to ignore them and sometimes shoot them down. Yesterday you hugged me the way you shouldn’t have. You held me the way you shouldn’t have. You kissed me the way you shouldn’t have. You touched me the way you shouldn’t have. But its not only you. I hugged you too. I held you too. I kissed you too. I touched you too… and I liked it. But I guess I have to ask myself.. Do I want this for fun? or for keeps? For fun seems a lot easier. No strings attached. No hearts being broken. Everyone knows that’s totally not my style, but fuck it.. I think I’m willing to gamble.. but I don’t think I have the balls to go all in with you again, because the last time I did, it took me a number of lonely nights to get over it.. and right now, I am not in any condition to be devoting emotions to that. I thought I told myself to stay away from boys so that I can leave long beach not feeling that I left anything behind. SO.. are you trying to mess up my plan?

You tell me that you don’t want me to move back to SD. I tell you that I’m going. You respond with “Then I need to get a car real soon so I can drive down there.” That wasn’t the answer I was expecting out of you. I was expecting more of a, “I guess we shouldn’t waste our feelings on each other” type of answer. When I told you I was planning on living out of my truck, you insisted that that was a stupid idea and said “We’ll figure it out” like it was you responsibility to look out for me. You were disappointed when I told my mom you were a player, but why do you even care? I was convinced that you and I, were just really cool homies.

What about now? Are we still just homies now? It’s a weird situation cause we work together. We can handle a professional relationship at work, thats not a problem.. but yea, I get it.. You’re trying to get promoted.. so for you, that means stop messing with HIS little princess. SO now were down to, no PDA. I guess I can handle that, especially if this is for fun.

But is it really? Because the way you held me this morning wasn’t very “for fun” like.. The way you rolled over and kissed my back didn’t seem for fun.. the way you kissed my forehead while I was laying in your arms, was that for fun? When we woke up, you said, “Good morning beautiful.” That was more sweet. I said lets go to Sea World! You said we can go next week. For fun? The way we spent the whole morning laughing, giggling, wrestling, taking short naps just to play again.. for fun? In the car, you asked about my sappy music, “Is this what you really want to listen to?” I say yes. You normally say, “nah, forget that” and change it, lol (asshole move btw) But this morning you said, “Okay, then we’ll listen to this” then caressed my face and kissed me on the cheek. Before you left for work, I was expecting the usual goodbye hug especially since we were right in front of our workplace, but instead you took me by the face, kissed my lips slowly.. then kissed it again. For fun??

I’m not sure what the rules are for this new thing we’re trying out. I’m not even sure if its a one day trial type of thing, but I guess I’ll just play it by ear. All I know is I had fun… a lot of fun.. and its even better because my emotions are controlled, so I can save myself just in case this was all a one night type of thing. I guess we’ll find out with what happens next… …

You and I are like Tom and Hannah

Made Of Honor